meet the new boss, nothing whatsoever like the old boss

After yesterday's announcement that Weddingbee had been sold to eHarmony, a number of people have asked about my feelings on the acquisition.

Well, as far as my reasons for leaving, there's not too much more I can add to the original statement I made in the comments of the post. I have very much loved my tenure as a Weddinbee blogger; it's been personally fulfilling, and has led to a number of great professional opportunities. I will always be grateful for that. And I have genuine respect for Mrs. Bee; building her personal blog up into what WB has become in just two years is flat out amazing.

But to quote myself, I strongly believe that same sex couples deserve recognition, validation, and advocacy across all political and cultural fronts...including internet dating. I believe in full marital rights for EVERYONE. Period. The discriminatory practices to which eHarmony adheres make it clear that they do not.

Furthermore, its association with Focus on the Family (a group whose social politics run completely counter to my own), make it an unacceptable bedfellow for me.

I certainly wouldn't seek employment from a company with a policy of LGBTQ exclusion; that's not a paycheck I'm willing to cash. And if I wouldn't take money from one, to me, it follows that I shouldn't help one make money.

Each of the bees, when we were presented with this news, was faced with a difficult decision. But in fairness, that difficulty is on a sliding scale. Those who are already married and no longer actively contributing to Weddingbee; well, they were luckily saved from having to make the hard choice. Of course, they could choose to have their already published posts removed, but they didn't need to take up a position on the field. It was a non-issue.

For the new and active bees, however, the decision to leave is understandably much harder. And perhaps that difficulty is only truly understood by those of us who've worn the bee mantle. Being a Weddingbee blogger is incredibly fun, incredibly gratifying; until you've come home to an inbox crammed with 100+ laudatory comments, it's hard to comprehend just how heady a pleasure it is.

It's blogging on crack. It's that addictive, believe me. In the four months before my wedding, I hit that crackpipe (i.e., wrote a post) every day. Hell, I'm the girl that blogged on her honeymoon!

So while it's certainly easy to sit on the sidelines and "call out" those bees who have chosen to remain with eHarmony (sorry, but that's the new boss) and say they just want their fifteen minutes of iFame - it isn't totally fair. It's really, really hard to walk away that dealer.

As for myself, the difficulty of my decision hit mid-scale. Despite the fact that I hadn't blogged recently, I was in fact planning on further contributing (I really wanted to give the occasional "from the other side of married" perspective). As I did once before, I just needed a break. This is not to say I would have returned to daily blogging for Weddingbee...but I had more in me.

But had I myself been in medias res, I know my position and actions would have been the same. But man, it would NOT have been easy. When this whole thing started, I always said that I'd be most impressed by any "new" bee that left. So hats off to the former Miss Flip Flops, in a big way. I encourage others to swing by her blog and tip their hats, too. Mere days into her Weddingbee experience, and she forfeited a massively coveted position for what she believed. It can't have been easy.

As to the argument some have made that we must "work from within" to undermine the eHarmony monster - I get it. But as I said before, I think it's naive and wrongheaded. As both myself and another commenter pointed out, that's like voting for McCain so I can make headway on reproductive rights. It's attacking the beast by stepping on his toe, instead of slicing through his femoral. My dad always taught me that in this capitalist society, the cruelest punches you can land are on someone's wallet. And as many WB defectors have noted, hit 'em where it hurts is exactly what they plan to do.

Then there's the loyalty argument. As in, loyalty to Mrs. Bee. Perfectly valid, but for me personally, it wasn't compelling enough. Because that forces me to weigh my distaste for adding to eHarmony's coffers against my willingness to hurt Mrs. Bee's feelings. And while I consider Bee a friend, I consider the cause of LGBTQ rights of substantially greater consequence than the disappointment which - one has to fairly concede - is probably greatly offset by a huge financial success. (I think it's also fair to note that Mrs. Bee's success has largely relied on the efforts of her team of volunteers. As one person put it, let's not overlook the soldiers when we congratulate the general.)

Finally, there's the argument that the bees should stay and use eHarmony as a platform to present and promote LGBTQ issues; to take advantage of the huge readership, and "make them listen." Again, to me, not compelling. Perhaps if there were several gay, lesbian, and queer bloggers who regularly and frequently posted on such issues. But there aren't, and there won't be. There will be, at most, a handful. And they, alongside every other bee, will be encouraged to blog about their wedding planning and projects. After all, that's what Weddingbee was created for: a resource for brides. To think that it will suddenly become, under the stormy cloudcover of eHarmony, a shining beacon of LGBTQ advocacy is, I feel, Pollyannish.

And anyway, at the end of the day, it just seems completely counterintuitive to me to help line the pockets of the very tower you are seeking to topple.

So what do I think about the future of eHarmonybee? I'm so glad you asked. Well, sadly, I don't think it'll much affect eHarmony's bottom line. There will always be brides, who will always need resources and seek inspiration. And as one particularly jaded and cynical commenter pointed out, those who comment only constitute a small percentage of a website's readership. The realistic likelihood that brides needing their Weddingbee fix will simply lurk anonymously is high. This is not to say there aren't those who won't stick to their guns - those who have deleted their WB links and plan on never returning. But after an initial - and short - drop off, I'm sure the numbers will level out.

But you know what? That doesn't matter. In some ways, it doesn't even matter that some public defectors will creep back in secret. What matters is that yesterday, the people spoke. I know - horribly cheesy of me. But it's true. All those hundreds of people stood up and said, "Hey, eHarmony! You are wrong. You are bigoted and discriminatory, and I don't approve." And if that opened up the eyes of a few people in positions of power, then that definitely counts for something.

I suspect it will affect the boards somewhat. Those readers who've publicly disavowed the 'bee can't exactly use them now, without going to the trouble of making up new aliases and accounts.

Here's where I think the greatest short-term impact will be felt: applications. As a lot of comments showed, many brides who were thinking of applying have changed their minds. And who can blame them? Who wants to voluntarily go to work (yes, work - blogging is work) for the eHarmony Man? It's one thing to stay and "finish the job" - it's another to stand up and say, "Hey! I'm ready and willing to freely provide revenue-generating content for a bigoted corporation!" (Should eHarmony do as some are saying they should and pay bloggers, well, rest assured I'll have a whole lot to say about that.)

And those bloggers that are willing to be a cog in eHarmony's machine, well, are they going to be the types to vocally and frequently "fight the fight"? Or are they going to be the types who (justifiably) just want to blog about their damn floral arrangements, thank you very much. When the current generation of avowed "fighters" is gone, is it even fair to expect the next generation to carry the torch? It's just a wedding blog, after all.

At the end of it all, though, I just sort of feel sad. There is nothing quite like the stress and pressure of planning a wedding. It can be so brutally overwhelming, and the sense of community and support - to say nothing of the creative goldmine - that Weddingbee provides is incredibly important. It's a shame that yesterday, that was lost to so many people.

It's sad that for so many, the bad taste of eHarmony has tainted WB. It's sad that for some, despite her amazing, pioneering work and creativity in creating Weddingbee, Mrs. Bee's legacy is something - well, I don't know what the word would be. But it would be AWESOME if she would go on to start a LGBTQ wedding site and keep it far out of eHarmony's clutches, that's alls I'm sayin'.

The one final point I want to be sure and make is that while for ME, the reasons to leave Weddingbee are more compelling than those to stay, I DO understand why those who are staying have chosen to do so. Many of them are friends, some quite close in fact. I admire their optimism, if I don't share it.

***UPDATE*** I've archived this post to an earlier date; it's too massive to sit on the front page. It will stay linked through my FAQ, as well.